INSTRUCTIONS FOR PROGRAMMING 
THE HEARTS SONG
on the NOKIA 3210 Mobile phone
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Barry Halloren writes.........
JJ Phone Home

Living in Brighton, I don’t get to many matches these days – I tend to be rationed to five or six games a season, and not always the best ones either (although my timing was great, being in the Main Stand on the last day of last season).

Just ask Bill Duff, John Findlay, Jakarta Jambo, or any of the rest of us stuck hundreds and thousands of miles away from our beloved Tynie – absence might make the heart grow fonder, but it also makes you do weird things to replace what you’re missing: Whether it’s printing your own T-Shirts, starting your own supporters club or mooching around on the internet (as thousands of us do) for the slightest scrap of maroon-tinted news, it’s a wonder we don’t just immigrate back to the land of our footballing fathers and have done with it. As for me, I make do with Kickback, listening to every match on Radio Scotland via the Internet (a godsend this season) and annoying the hell out of all and sundry with my wee mobile phone. Ring me, and it doesn’t fart the Mission Impossible theme or peep along to James Bond. To most people south of the border it just plays a harmless ditty they’ve never heard before. Not many people of sound mind can be found singing along to their mobile phone, but I cannae help it&ldots;&ldots; Hearts, Hearts, Glorious Hearts&ldots;&ldots;&ldots; Let me tell you, it’s an automatic Hibby detector. Watch their faces light up with joy when they hear it!

It only works with the Nokia 3210 (the wee one with no arial), although I’m sure it can be worked out on similar lines for other phones that allow you to make up your own ring. So far, over 100 people have picked up these instructions through Kickback and e-mail, so we’ll soon have the Dark Side of town driven to distraction

This is what you want to see on the phone:

2c2 8- 2g1 8- 4f1 4e1 4d1 4c1 4- 4g1 4c2 4c2 4c2 4a1 4b1 4c2 1b1 4- 8g1 8g1

4c2 4c2 4c2 4c2 4g1 4e1 4f1 4g1 4a1 4g1 4c1 4d1 8e1 2g1 4e1 4d1 4c1 4d1 1c1

The actual keystrokes to produce this should go as follows (ignore the spaces, they're just there to make it easier to follow):

19* 088 5** 088 48 3210 51* 11 6** 7 1* 7**99 088 5999 5 1*9 111 5** 3456512 38 599 38 212 199

You need to set the tempo to 200.

Then all that’s required is to clear your throat and prepare to sing along loudly in a public place&ldots;&ldots;&ldots;&ldots;

this section maintained by Craig Young