BELOW IS A HUGE SELECTION OF JOKES TAKEN FROM
FANZINES OVER THE YEARS
Have YOU got any to add to the list? Please E-mail
now, crediting the fanzine where you read the joke.
Q: How do you kill a Hibs fan?
A: Smash the toilet seat down on his head while
he's having a drink
Q: What have Darren Jackson and Big Ben got in common?
A: One big hand and one little hand (think about it)
Q: Did you hear about the Rangers fan called
Hunter? Had a daughter and called her Glory!
Q: Why do Aberdeen fans wear 501's?
A: So that the sheep can't hear them pulling their
zips down.
Q: What's hard, and earns a tremendous amount of
money for touching rich mens bottoms?
A: A Rangers bond-holders seat
Q: Why do Aberdonians get married?
A: Because sheep cannot cook.
If shit were snow, Easter Road would be a ski resort
Q: What do you get if a crowd of Celtic fans
attend chapel?
A: dense mass
Q: What's 2 feet long and hangs from an arsehole?
A: Alex McLeish's Tie
Apparently Mark Hately is so ugly that when he was
born, the doctor slapped his mothers arse!
Did you know that Hibs had a polaroid team photo
taken recently and they were so dull it took two hours to develop?
Q: What's the difference between Wayne Foster and
the local church?
A: The church has put a cross in!
Thieves broke into the home of a Hibs supporter
and stole two books "The thing that upsets me", he said
"is that I hadn't finished colouring them in"
Q: How do you brainwash a Rangers fan?
A: Give him an enema.
Q: What's the difference between a Hibs fan and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a
computer once.
Q: Why do seagulls fly upside down over Easter Road?
A: Because there's nothing worth shitting on.
The Hibs team bus broke down on the way to Ibrox.
Luckily the bus was full of spares and tools, so they were able to
get it fixed in time.
Q: How can you tell a level headed Celtic supporter?
A: He dribbles from both sides of his mouth at the
same time.
Q: What's the difference between Easter Road and
Windsor Castle?
A: It'll only take 60 million to rebuild Windsor Castle!
A Hibs supporter talking to his friend said
"It's not true that all Hearts fans are against us. Why, you can
go to their ground, meet one of them and he'll take you home, share
his food and his bed with you and even give you breakfast in the
morning, all for nothing!" "Did this happen to you?"
inquired his friend. "No, but it did happen to my sister!"
Did you hear about the Hibs supporter who was
swimming across the river Forth for a bet? He got tired and turned
back halfway across.
Did you hear about the Hibs supporter who drove in
the Indianapolis 500? He had 32 pit stops, 1 for petrol and 31 to ask directions.
Did you hear about the Hibs fan who complained
that the chewing gum he got from the gents toilet tasted funny, but
it lasted quite a while? Alex Miller is in trouble. Apparently he
broke into a cigarette machine desperately looking for ten players!
The Dunfermline team went to a top class hotel in
preparation for the Skol Cup final. At the pre-match meal, Jocky
Scott, being manager was first to order and went for steak and
potatoes. "What about the vegetables?" inquired the waiter
"Oh, they'll have the same" replied Jocky.
Q: What have Michael Jackson and Craig Nelson have
in common? A: They both wear gloves for no apparent reason!
Q: What's the difference between a corned beef
sandwich and a Rangers supporter?
A: There's more brains in a corned beef sandwich.
Q: How do you save a Hibs fan from drowning?
A: Reluctantly
Q: What is yellow and looks good on a Blackburn fan?
A: A JCB
Q: How do you kill a Blackburn fan?
A: The most painful way you can find
Q: What's the definition of Jim Farry?
A: A machine for converting speech into diarrhoea
Q: What's the definition of a Glasgow virgin?
A: A girl who can run faster then her brother
Q: What's the difference between a hamburger and a
Hibs Supporter?
A: There's more balls in a hamburger
Q: What does the Edinburgh Festival have that
Eamonn Bannon does not?
A: A Fringe
Home
Q: What's the connection between the Old Firm and
Kylie and Jason?
A: They are always at the top, nobody knows why
and everybody hates them apart from their own fans
Q: What's the difference between the IRA and Celtic?
A: The IRA have got a team in Europe
Q: What's the difference between an Iraqi and a
piece of toast?
A: You can make a soldier out of a bit of toast
Alex Miller was showing his son around Easter
Road, as he had always promised to do. Alex took him to the offices
where his son got to count the two pence pieces. Finally, he was
introduced to some of the players while they were training. On the
way home. Alex noticed his son was crying. "What's wrong,
son?" Alex asked. "Didn't you enjoy yourself today?".
"Yes" replied his son "but i didn't get to see all the
clowns you say you have to work with every day"!
Did you hear about the Dunfermline fan who thought
Hertz Van Hire was a Dutch midfielder
Q: How do you define 144 Hibs fans
A: Gross Stupidity
Hear about the East Stirling fan arrested on child
sex abuse charges?
The police overheard him saying he loved to see
Bairns getting screwed every Saturday
Q: What do you call a Townie (a Townie is what
Cowdenbeath fans call Dunfermline fans)with half a brain?
A: Gifted
Q: Why do Townies smell so bad?
A: So the blind can hate them as well!
A crowd gathers on the Forth Road Bridge to see a
man who is threatening to jump off. A minister stops and shouts
"Don't waste your life son, Jesus loves you". The man
replied that he was an atheist. "Well, don't worry, you'll never
smell the sweet flowers in springtime" inquired the minister.
"No," snaps the man "I suffer from hay fever".
The minister yells "Well what about the lovely sounds of the
birds in the trees?". "I'm tome deaf". comes back the
reply. In desperation, the minister shouts "surely you must look
forward to going to Central Park on a Saturday to watch
Cowdenbeath?". "No, I'm a Pars supporter" snarled the
man. So the minister shouts "Jump then, you Townie bastard!".
Q: What do you get if you cross a Townie with a monkey?
A: Nothing...a monkey is too intelligent to shag a Townie
Q: What's the difference between a Lada and an
Hibs supporter?
A: You can slam the door on a Hibs fan!
I hear that Alex Miller has been admitted to
hospital. Someone heard him saying he had a bad side!
Albion Rovers are officially the strongest team in
the league...they are holding everybody else up
Q: What do you get if you cross a Rangers fan with
a pig?
A: Thick bacon!
Q: What do you call a pregnant Hibs fan?
A: A dope carrier!
Q: What's the difference between a Hibs supporters
coach and a hedgehog
A: With a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside!
Q: What do you call a Rangers fan who goes to university?
A: Janitor
A Rangers supporter has been trying for kids for
five years before his wife persuades him to have a fertility test. He
goes for his results and returns with a new suit and haircut;
explaining to his wife "If the doctor says I'm important, then
I'm sure as hell going to look important"!
Q: An intelligent Rangers supporter, and
intelligent Hearts fan and Santa Claus are sitting in a room. There
is a five pound note on the floor, who picks it up?
A: The Intelligent Hearts supporter, as the other
two don't exist.
Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and
a Hibs supporter?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Q: A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan fall off a
cliff, who hits the ground first?
A: Who gives a shit?
Did you hear about the Hibs supporter who went to
the dentist to have a wisdom tooth put in?
Q: Did you hear about the Hibs supporter who won
the Tour De France?
A: He went missing for three weeks doing a lap of honour.
Q: How many Hibs fans does it take to paper a room?
A: It depends how thinly you slice them
Two mates walking down the road in Edinburgh when
the came across a card in a chemists window which read FOR SALE -
HIBS SEASON TICKET - ONLY £10 - They were amazed. "That's a
right bargain"said one Hibby to the other "I'll go in and
get it". A few minutes pater the guy comes out re-faced holding
a packet of durex. "Why have you got a packet of durex" his
pal asked "Well, I was too embarrassed to ask for a Hibs season
ticket" replied his pal.
Troubled Celtic boss Liam Brady was walking down
Sauchiehall Street when he met Stuart Slater. "Why are you not
in training Stuart?" asked Liam "I've got to go buy a bag
of tatties for the dinner" replied Slater. "Get down to the
training ground you clown, I'll get your potatoes for you" said
Brady. A little while later, Liam bumped into rival Joe Jordan.
"What brings you down here?" asked Joe "I came to get
a bag of potatoes for Stuart Slater" replied Brady
"Yeah" said Jordan " That seems like a fair swap to me".
A flea walked into a travel agents asking for a
holiday. "We can offer you a weeks holiday in Graham Souness'
moustache" says the travel agent. "Ok" said the flea.
Two days later the flea storms into the travel agents "That was
the worst holiday I have ever had, that man shouts and slavers all
the time, and quite frankly, his breath smelt. I demand another
holiday". "Alright" said the travel agent. "I can
give you a week in Mo Johnstons pubic hair". The flea takes it
and goes away on holiday. A month later the travel agent meets the
flea in the street. "How did the holiday go?" he asks.
"Magic" said the flea, best holiday I have ever had, women,
late night parties and drink. Funny thing was, I came back on Graeme
Souness' moustache"!
Q: Daddy, Daddy, why is that lion licking his bum?
A: Son, that's because he has just eaten a Hibs
fan and is trying to get rid of the taste.
Q: What do you call a person who says he has just
seen a double decker bus full of Hibs fans
A: A lying bastard
Q: What's the difference between a Hibs fan and a
Supermarket trolley
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own
Q: What does a Lurgan girl use for protection when
she's having sex?
A: A bus shelter
Q: What is the difference between Falkirk and a teabag
A: A teabag stays in the cup longer
And so it came to pass that the three men
approached the pearly gates, looking for entry to heaven. The first,
an East Fife supporter explained how he had arrived home early from
the job centre to find his wife had been sleeping with another man.
Seething with anger, he ran into the kitchen, heaved his fridge out
the window and jumped out after it, falling to his death. The second
man was a Dunfermline supporter who explained how he had been walking
along the road minding his own business when a fridge fell on him
from a great height. The third man, a Raith Rovers fan told how he
had been sitting inside a fridge, minding his own business when......
A Cowdenbeath supporter standing at Central park
with his dog gives it a hefty kick when the opposition scores. An
opposing fan shouts to him "What do you do to the dog when your
own team scores". The Cowdenbeath fan replies "I don't
know, I've only had him for a year"
Jim Leishman walks into the doctors with a big
frog stuck on his head. "What happened to you" asked the
doctor. The frog replied "well, it all started with this boil on
my arse..."
Q: Why do Cowdenbeath fans have moustaches
A: So they can look like their mothers
Q: Why do Fife Regional Council issue clear
rubbish bags?
A: So Cowdenbeath fans can go window shopping
Q: How many Celtic fans does it take to grease a car?
A: One - if you hit him right
Q: Why do they paint rubbish bins red in Glasgow?
A: So that they think they are eating in McDonalds
Q: How do you get a Rangers fan out of the bath?
A: Fill it with water
Q: What's green & white and can't turn round
in a phonebox?
A: A Hibs fan with a spear in his head
In a bid to find a replacement for Dale Gordon,
Norwich boss Dave Stringer contacted Liverpool to enquire about
Ronnie Rosenthal. Everything hinged on a medical. All was going fine
until the doctor found out that Rosenthal was a Jew. With this, the
deal fell through, because you have to be a complete prick to play
for Norwich.
Q: How does Wallace Mercer say "Fuck you"
without swearing?
A: "...Trust me".
Q: What do you call a beautiful girl in Glasgow?
A: A Tourist
The multitudes were amazed at the sudden change in
the weather. They had been used to the searing heat, but now it was
colder than the winter on the northside in 1971. What'll we do? asked
the assembled masses. We'll have to go and ask Lucifer, shouted Noel.
Lucifer surveyed his kingdom which he inherited 300 years ago. His
adopted people approached. "What are we going to do, Luce, we
are bloody freezing down here. It's even colder than the beach end at
Aberdeen in January, boss". And then Lucifer spake.
"Rejoice, my people, you should be happy. This good weather can
only mean one thing.....Hibs must have won the Scottish Cup!"
Q: How do you know that the Republic Of Ireland
squad has arrived at the airport?
A: When the plane's engines stop the whining continues.
Q: What do you think of football at Easter Road?
A: It might not be a bad idea!
Home
Q: How many Celtic players does it take to break
an egg?
A: None, they never touched it ref!
Q: How do you get four Hibs fans on a bar stool?
A: Turn it upside down
Q: What have Saddam Hussain and Wallace Mercer got
in common?
A: They both had Jordan by the balls
Q: What's the difference between the Hearts
defence and an Edinburgh taxi?
A: A taxi only lets in four at a time
Q: What's the difference between Vinny Jones and
Frank Carson?
A: Vinny Jones gets more bookings in a season
Q: Why do Palace fans carry shit in their pockets?
A: For Identification
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a Hibs fan?
A: A doberman
Q: How many Palace fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to do it and nine to share the
emotional experience.
Q: Why was alcohol invented?
A: so fat ugly women could get Palace fans to lay them
Q: Why do Palace fans come so quickly
A: Because they can't wait to get down the pub and
tell their mates
Q: How do you start a Palace fan in a small business
A: Give him a big business and take it from there
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Croydon
A: Because they couldn't find 3 men and a virgin.
Q: Why don't Rangers fans have cheque books?
A: Because it's hard signing your name with spray paint
Did you hear about the Rangers fan who studied for
three days for a urine test?
Q: What is the definition of mass confusion?
A: Fathers day in Burnley
Q: Why is supporting Hibs like an unsharpened pencil?
A: Because there's no point
Policeman: Why have you got a packet of nails in
your pocket?
Rangers fan: It's for all the other supporters
Policeman : Why?
Rangers fan: Well, they keep shouting Attack
Attack Attack
Q: Why is a Hibs win like a visit to the dentist?
A: They both make you feel down in the mouth
Q: What's the connection between Graeme Souness
and the Enola Gay
A: They both wasted 8 million
Q: What's the difference between a Celtic
supporter and a bicycle
A: When you chain up a bicycle, it doesn't go on
hunger strike
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Irish pimp?
A: He bought a warehouse
Q: What do you call a Celtic supporter with an
extra leg
A: Jake the pape
Q: What's the difference between a Hibs Supporters
bus and a sheep?
A: You would be embarrassed climbing onto a Hibs
supporters bus.
Q: Why are there no Jews in the Hibs team
A: Because you have to be a complete prick to play
for them
Alex Ferguson and Eric Cantona are having a
pre-match chat prior to Cantona's debut for Man.Utd
"I want you to go onto that pitch and lead by
example, Eric, then I'll pull you off at half time"
"Oh, thanks boss" said Eric " At
Leeds all we got at half time was an orange"
Hearts are negotiating a new sponsorship deal with
tea giants Tetley. Tetley believe that Hearts defence captures the
spirit of the motto "2000 perforations"
Q: What happened to the Rangers fan who had a
brain transplant
A: The brain rejected him
Patient in Glasgow : Doctor, I keep getting
splinters in my fingers
Doctor : Stop scratching your head
Manager : How do you keep 11 idiots in suspense?
Team : We don't know boss
Manager : I'll tell you next week
Q: What do you call a Rangers fan in a suit?
A: The accused
Q: How does a Croydon girl turn off the light
after making love
A: She shuts the car door
A Chelsea supporter was up for assaulting an old
lady and was lined up in an identity parade. Just as the old lady was
brought up in front of the line up, the Chelsea fan shouted "Yes,
that's her!"
Q: What's the difference between putting your hand
down Kylies top and going to Easter Road?
A: You feel a bigger tit going to Easter Road
A Hibs fan discovers his wife in bed with the
insurance man, and asks "What's going on here?" "See,
I told you he was stupid" his wife says
Q: What's the difference between a female Hibs fan
and a Rotweiler?
A: Lipstick
Q: What is the definition of a Hibs fan being hanged?
A: Dope on a rope
Q: What do you call a Rangers fan who works for
the Blood transfusion service
A: A Blood clot
Q: What do you call a Rangers fan with a good
knowledge of football?
A: Unique
Did you hear about the Rangers fan who couldn't
understand why Hibs supporters took an interest in football in the
Middle East? He kept hearing them say Jordans team is a load of rubbish
Q: How many East Fife fans does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: 51, one to hold the bulb and 50 to turn the
room round
On an away trip to Doncaster, 4 Barnet fans
sampled the local beer. "Hey squire, give us 4 points of your
best lager on the double". The barman went to the toilet where
some of the locals helped fill the glasses. The barman then brought
the 4 cockneys their drinks. "Here you are lads, the best in
town". The Barnet fans gulped down their drink, while the locals
rolled about laughing. After finishing his drink, one fan said
"Ah, this tastes no better than the piss we get back home"!
A mackem was just about to jump off the Tyne
bridge when a policeman stopped him and asked what he was doing. The
mackem wept "Newcastle have a fine team yet Sunderland is a dump
and we have a shite team". The policeman then asked "why
the Tyne bridge, you have a bridge of your own to jump off". The
mackem explained "you're joking, have you seen the queue"?
Q: How far is Sunderland from Newcastle?
A: about half an hour in a tank
Q: What's the best thing ever to have come out of Sunderland?
A: An empty bomber plane
Q: How long does it take a female Hibs fan to have
a shit?
A: About nine months
Paul Gascoigne hit the crossbar when Rangers were
playing Celtic recently and killed 15 Rangers fans who were crawling
out of the woodwork.
The son of a Hibs fan who had just started school
asked his dad for an encyclopedia. "No" said his dad,
"you can walk to school with the rest of the kids".
The mother of a Hibs fan was stopped in the street
by a neighbour "How did your son get on in his history
exam?" "Bad, but it wasn't his fault" replied his
mother "they asked him questions about things that happened
before he was born"
Q: Did you hear about the Hibs fan who'se wife had triplets?
A: He spent the rest of the year looking for the
two other men.
Q: What do you call a pimple on a Rangers supporter?
A: A brain haemorrhage
Two Rangers fans were doing a crossword. Billy
turns to Sparky "Old McDonald had one of these". "I
know" says Sparky, "It's a farm". "How do you
spell that?" asks Billy. "EIEIO" says Sparky.
Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Aberdeen?
A: A leisure centre
Q: What do you call an Aberdeen fan with no
interest in sheep?
A: Deceased
Q: What do you call an Aberdeen fan with no father?
A: Baaaaastard
Billy and Sparky the two bluenoses were in the pub
quiz one night. The question master asked "who was the first
woman on earth, and I'll give you a clue, think of an apple".
"I know", says Sparky "The answer is Granny Smith.
Ayrton Senna just arrived in Heaven and he is
welcomed by god. God says to him "Welcome, Mr Senna, you will
enjoy it up here, and there are many people you will recognise, and
they will be happy to talk to you" Senna sees Elvis Presley and
Roy Orbison and makes conversation with them. Later that day, Senna
speaks to God again "I had a great time with Elvis this morning
- he gave me his autograph and a copy of his new CD. Are there any
more famous people here?" "Yes" says God "There's
Davie Cooper". "Who the f..k is Davie Cooper?" asks
Senna bemused. "You must have heard of Davie Cooper - he is a
very famous Scottish Footballer". "I'm sorry" said
Senna "but I've no idea who he is, so he can't be very
good". "I'll tell you something, Ayrton" Says God
"If you could take corners half as well as Davie Cooper, you
wouldn't be here today!".
Home
COLEMANBALLS
"It's not cricket but it is cricket, and that's boxing for
you" - Frank Bruno
"He certainly has the pace...he's very nipple" - BSkyB Commentator
"Dundee Utd shares have been trading at 50 pence. We have been
advised that these shares are worth £300 each" - Angus Cook
"Marseille attacking the goal to our left. It would be nice to
think that Red Star would attack the goal to our right" - Barry Davis
"He knew exactly what was behind him there...which was
nothing" - Andy Gray
"Walter Smith has come down from the directors box to tinkle
with his tactical formation" - Jock Brown
"If Wrexham had the rub of the dice and the luck of the
green" - Alan Parry
"The game was in some danger of being played" - Alan Parry
"The only other game on in Scotland today was in England" -
Malcolm Wilson
"It left a real bad taste in the eyes of the supporters" -
Jim Docherty on the Celtic board situation
"I'd like to get more caps under my belt" - Gary McAllister
"There'll be more football in a moment, but first we've got
highlights of the Scottish League Cup" - Gary Newbon
"We were doing great before they scored 5 freak goals" -
Crystal Palace manager
"Maradonna gets wonderful elevation on his balls from seemingly
impossible positions" - David Platt
"He did not bother to pull it back, he stuffed it straight
in" - Brian Moore
"They coax it, handle it, and caress it. They play it around and
want to keep it. That's what you do when you've got something you
love" - Brian Clough
"I can hardly believe this. It's just like attack &
defence" - Elton Welsby
"And of course, it's derby day in Edinburgh tonight" - Jay Crawford
"He was surrounded by two players and it looked as if he was
going to be outnumbered" - Ray Clemence
"The Scots are really knocking it about to some tune" -
Alistair Alexander
"There's no damage to the car there except to the car
itself" - Murray Walker
Colin Moynihan: "Why did you call me a little twister
Dennis Howell : "Because I couldn't call you a little shit"
"His right hand has been giving him a lot of trouble and it had
an exhaustive test last night and again half an hour ago" -
Brian Moore
"Lyons ducking his head and it ends up in the back of the
net" - Gerry Harrison
"He was prepared to get up pretty quickly but his nose wouldn't
allow him to straight away" - Barry Davis
"Provided the Blues don't lose their nuts here they should be
alright" - Jimmy Greaves
"It came too quickly in speed but too slowly in time" -
Martin Tyler
"I think John Burridge eats cassettes before going out on the
park" - Gordon McQueen
"It's the carrot at the end of the rainbow" - Danny McGrain
"I would have preferred a tribe of Zulu to come here" -
Mayor of Cagliari
"Resignations are for Prime ministers, Cabinet members and those
caught with their trousers down, not for me" - Brian Clough 1988
"He's a smashing lad, but I wouldn't invite him to my daughters
17th birthday party" - Dave Bassett on Vinny Jones
"These Iraqi's take no prisoners" - Ron Atkinson, Mexico 1986
"That was nothing more than a genuine late challenge" -
Jimmy Greaves
"Barcelona are 3 players short, the goalkeeper, the captain and
2 forwards" - Jimmy Greaves
"It's a dream come true for me to be back at Parkhead" - Mo Johnston
"I thought Glen Hoddle was brilliant, magnificent, how he gets
into the England team I'll never know" - Jack Charlton
"Some teams are so negative, they could have been sponsored by
Kodak" Tommy Docherty
CREDITS
Down to Davy Lees - Ards
No idle Talk - Hearts
No Nay Never - Burnley
One F In Fulham - Fulham
Till the world stops- Leeds
Just Another Wednesday
C-Stander - Derby.Co
Tea Party - Stockport
Talking Bull - Hereford
Those were the days - Ipswich
CLyde-O-Scope - Clyde
Gulls Eye - Brighton
One and Only - General
Aye Ready - Rangers
Falkirk Unofficial - Falkirk
Away from Numbers - East Fife
Blue Brazilian - Cowdenbeath
WAGTW - Sunderland
(first seen in NIT 31)
Have YOU got any to add to the list? Please E-mail now!