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from NO IDLE TALK issue 49

A HIBBY WISH

A hibby was walking along Portobello beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The hibby sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to visit America but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to America so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Atlantic? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No - think of another wish."

The hibby said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been following hibs for years and have never seen them qualify for Europe. My friends who are Jambos are always travelling off for European games and having fun. So, I wish that Hibs could win something and qualify for Europe...."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

MEASURING FOR HIBBIES
A group of hibbies on an outward bound course were given the task of measuring the height of a flagpole. They go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, but they continually fall off the ladders and drop the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess. A Jambo comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the hibbies and walks away. After the Jambo has gone, one hibby turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like a Jambo! We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"

______________________________________________________________________

Hearts have moved quickly to halt rumours of a rift between JJ and CR.

A club spokesman said, "It's ridiculous to suggest that there is a "personality" clash between the two, everyone at the club knows that CR hasn't got one.

_______________________________________________________________________

The directors of Hibernian FC have been looking for a successor to Alex McLeish.

They have concluded that Arsenal have been quite successful because they hired a manager who's name is similar to the team (Arsene).....therefore, Hibs have approached Stefan Kuntz to become their new boss.......

_______________________________________________________________________

Q: What do you call a female Hibs fan with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant

From issue 45 of the Hearts fanzine NO IDLE TALK

A businessman was getting ready to go on a business trip. His wife was a flirtatious sort with a healthy sex drive, so he thought he would buy her something to keep her occupied while he was away on business. He went to a sex-shop and the owner persuaded him to buy her a "jumbo penis".

"It looks like every other dildo in the shop" he said. The shopkeeper motioned to the businessman to sit down and observe. The shopkeeper pointed to a door and said "Jumbo penis, the door, then stop". The jumbo penis miraculously rose out of it's box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. It did this about fifty times, the door vibrating wildly with every thrust, then it stopped. "I'll take it" said the businessmen. So he took it home to his wife.

The businessman's wife couldn't wait until her husband went on his next trip, in fact she had it out the box before her husband was out of the driveway.

"Jumbo penis, my crotch" she cried, and laid back on the bed, in anticipation.

The dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping furiously. After 3 earth shattering orgasms she became exhausted. She tried to pull the dildo out, but each time she grabbed it, it thrust further into her. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital, so she started to drive, quivering with ever thust of the dildo. On the way to the hospital, another intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road where she came to rest on the pavement halfway down Leith Walk.

Luckily, she had her husband's mobile in the glove compartment. She dialled the hospital and described her predicament. She spoke to a doctor who said "I've only heard of one similar case before where you had to give the instruction but tell the dildo to stop in the same sentence, or it would keep doing it until either you told it to stop, which would deactivate it, or it was given another command to obey, but that wasn't a Jumbo penis, that was called a Jambo penis".

Just at that point, there was a loud thump on the bonnet of her car, and a drunk hibs fan appeared at the drivers window. "What's the problem, doll, are ye lookin for a guid time"? he slavered.Thinking quickly, the woman said "you're not going to believe this, but I've got a Jambo penis"

To which the drunk hibby replied "yeah, right - Jambo penis, my arse!"

From issue 45 of the Hearts fanzine NO IDLE TALK

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "no". He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father" . After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"

Embarrassed by his use of bad language, the fisherman thought quickly "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!"

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish (which the fisherman had given him as a gift) to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big fucker"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.

Bishop: "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?"
Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a fucker!
Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that fucker tonight."

Well, then the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the fucker!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the fucker!"
Mother Superior: "And I cooked the fucker!"

The Pope let out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table,lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whisky and says, "You know what?

You cunts are alright."

From issue 43 of the Hearts fanzine NO IDLE TALK

This little kid is football mad, he's a Hearts supporter and also a devout Royalist. The Queen is paying a visit to Edinburgh for a couple of days and he is desperateto get an audience with her. "No problem", says his mum. "Just wear your football kit and we'll stand right at the front of the crowd as she goes past, when she sees the famous maroon and white strip, she is bound to stop". So he gets kitted out in his brand new Millenium Hearts kit and follows the plan above. Just as she approaches him, she suddenly veers away and walks quickly towards a small kid in a hibs strip. The wee Hearts fan is in tears, and his mum will do anything to help cheer him up. "Don't worry, son, we'll get you a hibs strip and we'll go back tomorrow". So they do this; the wee Hearts fan dressed in a hibs strip , and sure enough, as soon as the Queen spots him, she comes over to him and whispers in his ear :- "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday?"

Michael Ashford gave us this one

A man U fan makes it to the last round of 'Who wants to be a millionaire'.Chris Tarrant explains that all he has to do for one millin quid is identify a current Man U player from a photograph taken as a child. The fan accepts the challenge and thinks it is Ryan Giggs, but, unsure, he asks Chris if he can phone a friend.Straight away Tarrant phones the Mancs freind ( another Man U fan)and after explaining the question the friend gives his answer. " I thinks it's David Beckham" says the friend. Now, really confused the Manc takes a minute before giving his final answer. " I'll go with David Beckham". " Are you sure" says Tarrant. " yes" says the manc. " I'm so sorry " announces a grinning Tarrant. "The answer is Dwight Yorke"

Emelie from Stockholm gave us this one

Alex Ferguson couldn't understand how Arsenal could win the double 97/98, so he decided that he was gonna fly to London and ask Arsene Wenger himself.
The Frenchmen answered...:
"I just ask them hard questions, so they stay sharp. DENNIS, come over here!!"
Dennis Bergkkamp did as his manager told him to, and Arsene said: "well, Dennis...answer this one... It's not your brother, but it's still your father's son...who is he?"
"That's easy", said Dennis. "It's me!!"
So Alex went back to Manchester, and called for David Beckham, and asked him the same question.
"Wow Alex....that's a hard one...can I tell you tomorrow?"
"Sure Becks...."said Alex.
That night David called Jaap Stam, and asked if he knew the answer.
"Ha ha David...that's an easy one! It's me, of course!"
So the next morning, Becks came to the practice very happy.
"So David....you know the answer?"
"Of course Alex... It's Jaap Stam!!"
Alex couldn't believe that Beckham was THAT stupid...
"No you stupid twat!" he shouted. "It's Dennis Bergkamp!!"


Q. What's the difference between Dion Dublin and a constipated owl?
A. One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit!

"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
"No"
"Did you check for blood pressure?"
"No"
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No"
"So, doctor it is possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy"
"No"
"How can you be sure, doctor?"
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk"
"Nonetheless, couldn't it be remotely possible for the patient to be still alive doctor?"
"Technically I guess so. We did find a Wolverhampton Wanderers season ticket in his pocket"

taken from Grorty Dick issue 86

Q. How do you save a drowning Forest fan?
A. Take your foot off their head.

Q. What's the difference between a Forest fan and a bucket of dirt?
A. The bucket.

Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a Forest fan?
A. An offer you can't understand.

Q. What's the difference between a Forest fan and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. If you see a Forest fan on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve and hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. What did the terrorist who hi-jacked a group of Forest fans do?
A. He threatened to release one every hour unless his demands were met!

Q. Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to Forest fans for their experiments?
A. The lab technicians don't form emotional attachments to the Forest fans.

Q. What's the only disadvantage to using Forest fans instead of rats for laboratory experiments?
A. There's no proof that tests on Forest fans would have the same results on human beings.

Q. How many Forest fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two, but the hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

Doctor: I've got some good and bad news. The bad news is you'll never walk again.
Forest fan: Wh-what's the g-good news?
Doctor: I've just got a date with that blonde nurse.

A Forest fan takes his dog to the vet.
Vet says "Sorry, I'm gonna have to put your dog down."
"Why's that?" says the Forest fan.
Vet replies " 'Cos he's heavy".

Q. What have a three pin plug and Man Utd got in common?
A. They are both useless in Europe

A Man Utd fan was driving down the road, when he was stopped by a policeman on suspision of drink driving. The policeman asked him to blow into the nozzle but the man said he couldn't and then pulled out a card saying that he suffered from asthma. The policeman then asked him if he could take a blood sample, but the United fan pulled out another card saying that he suffered from haemophilia. The policeman then had to ask him for a urine sample, but the United fan pulled out another card saying " Man Utd fan, don't take the p**s!!"

Why don't Forest fans make ice cubes? - They keep forgetting the recipe.

Two Forest fans were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first Forest fan said "these look like deer tracks." The other one said, "No, they look more like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Two Forest fans walk into a dry cleaners on a rainy day and ask the clerk for a hanger. "I locked my keys in the car, and I need the hanger to unlock the door," the first fan explains. "Please hurry," whines the second fan. "We left the top down and everything is getting ruined!"

Two Forest fans walk into a sports bar giving each other high fives and screaming "51!". Another Forest fan joins them and the scene repeats with high fives and very excited screams of "51 yea!" A bystander is so curious that he has to ask the question, "What are you Forest fans so excited about and what does this '51' mean?" One of the Forest fans explains proudly "We just finished a puzzle in only 51 days and the box said '3 to 5 years!'"

There's a woman Forest supporter who feared her husband was having an affair. Sure enough, she came home one day to find her husband with another woman. She grabs a gun, points it towards her own head. Her husband rushes out of bed screaming at her, "Don't! Please don't!" She says "Shut up! You're next!"

A Forest fan visits an orchard and asks how much the apples are. "You can pick as many as you like for a fiver" he is told. "Great" he replies "Ill have a tenners worth"

The Forest fan ventriloquist was so bad that his lips were moving even when he wasn't saying anything.

Why is urine yellow and semen white?
So a Forest fan can tell whether he is coming or going!

A Forest fan gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a women before. So he calls up his dad and asks him - what do I do first? His dad says - take her clothes off and put her in bed.
The Forest fan calls his dad 5 mins. later and says - she's naked and inbed - what do I do now? His dad says - take your clothes off and get in bed.
He calls back 5 mins later and says - I'm naked and in bed with her - what do I do now? His dad's patience is now running out - so he says - look son do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees!
The Forest fan calls up 5 mins later and says - Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl - what do I do now???

Forest fan works on a building site. He gets called in the office for a phone call and comes out in tears & inconsolable. What's up?" his foreman says. "That call was bad news" the fan replies. "Me dad's died".
"Sorry mate, d'you want the rest of the day off?" the foreman offered. Just then, he gets another call from the office. This time he comes out even worse. Kneeling on the floor hitting his head. Totally gone. His foreman approaches. "What now?" he asks. "I've just had another call" says the Forest fan. "That one was from my brother - and HIS dad's died as well!"

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a hundred dollar more for story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, windows, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lampost, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
WHOOOSH! Pulling his legs up and clinging to the lampost, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering... do you have a sculpture of a Forest supporter?"

A Forest fan decided to go ice fishing, seeing as he didn't have anything else to do.
When he arrived he put down his hamper, flask and fishing rod and began to drill a hole in the ice. No sooner had he started when a voice boomed down from above YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH THERE.
The fan was stunned and moved his stuff ten feet further down. Hearing nothing he began to drill again. AGAIN the voice from above YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH THERE.
Totally shaken, the Forest fan moved his goods twenty feet the other way. There was total silence so off he went again drilling into the ice. YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH THERE came the voice.
The Forest fan looked up and filled with religious fervour cried out: "Is that the voice of the Lord," to which came the reply:
"NO! YOU TWONK I AM THE MANAGER OF THE NOTTINGHAM ICE RINK."

thanks to Steve Westby (who could be a Derby fan?) 6/2/99

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